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volupta
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Subject:scary
Time:04:14 pm
he tells me I look scary

. . . when he's the one that looks as though he just finished sticking his finger into an electric outlet for the 30th time.
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Subject:get out of here
Time:05:16 pm
gotta get out of here . . . soon.
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Time:07:42 am
I hate him.

fuck . . . no, I don't HATE him. But dammit I want to hurt him.
fuck . . . no, I don't wnat to hurt him.
I want to not feel.
sometimes I think maybe if I let everyone in . . . it wouldn't hurt so badly when the select few that are already in . . . want to get out.
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Subject:fuckin' hell
Time:05:07 pm
i'm going to kill supansa.
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Subject:she needs
Time:07:13 pm
she doesn't ask for much of anything.she doesn't ask to be taken out.she doesn't ask to be loved.she doesn't ask for you to fall in love with her.nor does she ask for you to forget the beautiful long legged blonds of the world.she doesn't ask for flowers.she doesn't ask for gifts. she doesn't ask to have her hands held.she doesn't need to be told that she's beautiful.she doesn't even ask to be held.

she will tell you what she needs
but she'll never ask you for it

what she needs is something that should be given freely

give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take.

she needs to be held when she cries.

give and take. give and take.
she cries. you sleep.

she needs to dance under the stars.
give and take. give and take.
she dances. by herself.

she needs to be wanted.
give and take. give and take.
she waits. you think.

she needs to feel special
give and take. give and take.
she's numb. you feel special.

she needs to smile.
she cries.
she cries.
she cries.
she cries.
she cries.
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Subject:that simple
Time:11:42 am
there shouldn't be anything to think about.
the way I see it . . .
you want to be with me
or you don't.
it's that simple.
don't be afraid to say that you don't want to be with me because you don't want to be alone.
I deserve more respect than that.
I deserve more than that.
I deserve more than you.
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Subject:dance dance dance
Time:03:29 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
. . . a house where it's a common occurance for homeless men to be found sleeping on our living room floor. A house where you see a man count his pennies for the next 40oz before his morning shift at an under the table job . . .
I don't feel sorry for them but tears still threaten to fall. I feel sad because of what I see in the lives of these men. It makes me sad to know what greatness could unfold from good mens hands. . . and it fills my heart with sorrow watching them place those rough hands back in their pockets.


fuck.

I need to dance tonight. let go. dance. let go. dance.
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Subject:keep loving . . . ?
Time:02:56 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
. . . I went into Church today. The 12:15 mass was posted as I was riding by on my bike at 12:13. I haven't been in 9 years. I was surprised to see how many people were there . . . and also surprised that I was the youngest one there by at least 25 years.
I walked in, dipped my fingers in holy water, kneeled down and took my seat in the back.
Tears spilled down my face as the topic of 'love' was the sermon being shared. Is that even a normal topic for church???? Sometimes it feels as though cameras are following me around in some sort of tragic/comedy film and I'm just not aware of it. "It is your decision to love with all your heart and It is your decision to keep loving."

Why keep loving?
I understand that I can love with all I have, I can love with all my heart and all that I have in me . . . I have the option to keep loving after the fact. But really . . . why? can someone please tell me that? Who does it make better? me? you? . . .

I suppose it effects someone, right?
And to effect the life of another is the greatest and most important deed that can be done.
I believe that.
I want to make the people I'm around feel special. Smile. Laugh.


How many people are effected by that ONE person that you helped feel happiness on a day that a smile couldn't be mustered????

Maybe that's the point. Keep loving others . . . regardless of whether you'll be loved in return because by that act . . . by the simple act of LOVING . . . lifes are altered in ways that we cannot fathom.

but it still hurts.

And maybe that's part of it too . . . keep loving even though it hurts . . . because if you stop and dwell in the hurt all that is welcomed is self pity and then . . . well then . . . nobody get's to smile.


Oh hell . . . I don't know.

That's all

Alisha
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Time:08:26 pm
I lay awake at night thinking of you, looking at the phone. . . as if just looking at it will make it ring. I hope it makes you happy. I think about when the exact moment hit. . . the moment you knew you didn't want me. It pisses me off, nope. . .can't put it any more eloquently than that. . . it pisses me off that you lead me to the cliff and pushed me over.
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Time:09:25 am
I'm sick of people, so called friends....I don't want anyone to know me, because they doubt me, only after I've let them in and showed them the bare essentials of my soul. I don't have the energy to redeem myself of these accusations, I don't think I give a fuck what anyone thinks right now. I know myself and I don't think I want you knowing me, this is where I stop letting you in.
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volupta
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